Moms are always telling me that they wish they had kept track of the adorable things their children said when they were just beginning to have real conversations. Sometimes we get so busy, we forget the most precious quotations of our little ones. I am glad I’ve kept track of ours.
The other thing moms always tell me is that even though my kids are little now, they will grow up and be gone before I know it. They say this as though I’m not enjoying the things the little boogers do, even when mothering gets irritating. I certainly get frustrated sometimes, but there isn’t a moment that goes by when I think “If I didn’t have kids, I would…” If I actually thought that, I wouldn’t be a stay at home mom. I’d outsource motherhood, call in the temps for the tantrums, and one day, be sad that I missed out on the precious events that happen every minute of every day.

There’s a Darius Rucker song making its way across the airwaves called “It Won’t Be Like This For Long”. I heard it on the country station today (yes, Hootie has remade himself Nashville-style) and I found myself tearing up in traffic. I love those little boogers- sometimes I wish I could re-do some things, but they’re still little and we have a ways to go.
listen for yourself

Last week, I took Sophie to the zoo, where we are members. What a beautiful day it was; perfect for getting out and soaking in the sun with the elephants.
True to the mercurial nature of a three year old, my little one began the morning with the general disposition of a monitor lizard. By the time we entered the zoo’s cow paddy, she was a total joy- happy, bouncy, curious, and extremely friendly.
My little joy half bounced/ half walked up to a sweet little two year old, who was unseasonably covered head to toe in rain gear. Here’s what followed:

Sophie: “hi. Want to hold hands?”
Raingirl: ” k.”
S: “Let’s go see the goats, ok?”
RG: “k!!”

As tweedledee and tweedledum ran off to the goat pens hand in hand, my de-facto new mommy friend and I exchanged smiles. The innocence of our children warmed our hearts.
When little ones live in an environment of unbridled discovery, protected by the unconditional love of a mother, they don’t comprehend, let alone fear, rejection.
Everyone can be your friend; just ask them to hold hands with you!

A couple of days ago I found myself in my parents’ backyard playing ball with my blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed, beautiful two year old daughter. As she squealed with delight and ran hairy-scary through a big pile of leaves, I took just a second to thank God for the great gift that she is to me.

I then looked down into the crook of my left arm where my one-month old miracle lay snoozing with her binky squeaking in her perfectly pink mouth. She is precious. She is perfect. She is mine, and because of God’s good grace, we are both alive and well after a very scary nine months.

     Last night a few lady friends and I had the opportunity to join Pulitzer winning Washington Post journalist Laura Stepp for dinner at a local tavern. Ms. Stepp, among many wonderful things, is the author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both, in which the author interviews and follows the lives of a handful of high school and college women, caught in the mire of today’s pervasive ”hook up” culture. Stepp chronicles the sexual misadventures of these students as they flit from one salacious encounter to another, often without attachment or responsibility. Unsurprisingly, many of these young women (and their male partners) are left at best unfulfilled, and more often, emotionally bereft.

   I was curious to see how the evening would progress. The dinner was organized as an informal discussion time between the author and a dozen or so conservatively-minded readers. Podiums aside, we had the unique chance to chat with Ms. Stepp. The author, whose approach to journalism is refreshingly similar to that of a therapist, was very open with us. I learned that not all of the ladies present were readers of the book, nor we were all conservative. Surprisingly to me, the discussion turned quickly from the book to a few ladies’ need to justify their sexual proclivities to the rest of the group. I was all ears. 

A couple of women, early in the evening, made it clear to the rest of the group that they a) thoroughly enjoyed their “sexual freedom” b) had no intention of getting married or having children and c) were angry with “traditional culture” for making them feel as though they must justify their choices to greater society in order to get along. They also mentioned several times that we weren’t the most “diverse” group in the neighborhood, but I don’t hold that against anyone. We were in fact, quite diverse. While not necessarily “women of color” (mostly variants of pretty and peachy Causcasian), we were from all walks of middle class society. We are Jewish. Evangelical. Catholic. Latter-Day Saint. Undergraduates. Mothers. Artists. Law Students. Nurses. MBAs. West Coast. Southern. Midwestern. Pregnant. Single. Happy. Confused. Fairly Diverse, in my opinion, though similarly clad in springy Ann Taylor rain jackets. 

My thoughts on the evening:

a) It wasn’t really my place, nor anyone else’s, to comment on another’s choice toward ”sexual freedom”. In fact, no one made any such comments. If a woman (or man, for that matter) wants to have multiple sexual partners, that’s fine by me. We make choices- all choices have repercussions. My choice to be married and stay home with my children has blessed me with two babies (one to arrive this Friday!) and the task of organizing and maintaining a home. But my options are not cornered- I have an opportunity to finish graduate school whenever I want. I also have the blessing of chasing tots around at 30 years of age. Trust me. Tots are tiring. I’m glad I’m only 30. If these women want to try it the other way around, I wish them the best, and I am certain they will be tired. Fortunately for them, we live in a culture where they can do exactly that if they so choose. I don’t know why they were complaining.

b) The very fact that were we able to have a dinner conversation between women who are pleased as punch to stay home with their kids, undecided women, and women who have no intention of having either husbands or kids is one of the greatest achievements of the Feminist movement. I believe that is something Ms. Stepp should be quite proud of, as a former self-described “bell-bottom-clad Vietnam War protester”. Good work, Ms. Stepp. Thanks for a long and hard fight. While I don’t label myself a Feminist in the modern definition, I am proud to thank those who got the ball rolling so that I may enjoy the choices I have.

c) What I find interesting is that these few women were intent on justifying their decisions to a group that they clearly felt were antagonistic toward their choices. No one affirmed or contended the choice to have a career and remain single and child-free, yet over and over again, these women pointed out that they are expected to have families and that men expect them to want marriage. Another woman present at the table wisely pointed out that young men, too, are expected to want marriage and family. This situation is not unique to women.

d) It seemed to me that these women spent the evening combatting their own inner demons, projecting their own expectations for what they “should” want on to us, the “conservative” members of the dinner party. They argued as if an empathic response or some kind of catharsis on our part would have set them at ease.  If this is indeed the case, I hope they explore the decisions ahead of them with true flexibility. They presented their own choices as finalized- definite. And that darn well better have been okay with us, cause that’s where they stood. But is it where they stand? I don’t think so- for they were arguing with themselves. They truly did not seem happy with the finality of their decisions. The pressure to decide, to make a stand, did not come from us. We just wanted to talk about a book.  

e) The pressure to take a stand and to defend that stance is the very essence of political activism. It is my wish for these women that their political attitudes would not so overwhelm their personal choices that they feel they must choose a side at 23 years of age and stick to it forever. Laura Stepp, in fact, pursued her career and yet had the maturity to own up to the fact that behind her reporter’s desk she yearned for her baby boy, waiting for her at home. What a beautiful career she has woven- and all because she recognized her role as a mother. Her most distinguished works are those whose genesis came from her curiosity in her own child’s social and physical development. We, as her readers, are the fortunate beneficiaries.

f) The very movement that gave Ms. Stepp the freedom to make the choice for both motherhood and career has sadly become a movement marked by inflexibility. I believe the true essence of Feminism is the freedom to choose one’s destiny, not as prescribed by society, but as prescribed by one’s own heart. Sadly, Feminism in the early aughts (or “aughties” for some) has turned its face from one of flexibility to focus on victimhood and lack of choice. The young women present at dinner last night were clearly not thriving beneath that banner. What Feminism has become is not empowering- it is in fact quite limiting in its focus on victimhood. True sexual freedom is found not by those who have many partners at many times and many whims. They are left unsatisfied. I believe sexual freedom is found by those who know themselves, know what they want, and have the grace and freedom to change their minds with age and experience. These young women did not understand or feel the freedom to change their minds, and they are left wanting. For me, sexual freedom is found in marriage- happy marriage. My choice.

I’m rooting for these girls. I was pleased to have met them last night. I wish them all the best, as I am certain Ms. Stepp does as well.

Ms. Stepp- thank you for coming to Charlottesville. Your presence sparked a lively conversation, one of which I hope you were pleased to serve as catalyst. I wish you and your endeavors many blessings and I am pleased to have made your acquaintance. 

Now I’m going to go give birth to my 2nd daughter, not sleep for weeks on end, complain about it all, and feel wonderfully blessed and loved.

This past summer I had the pleasure of getting to know a great young woman- Karin Agness, the founder of the Network of Enlightened Women, or NeW.  I had the honor of speaking at their Third Annual National Conference this past summer at The Heritage Foundation. As an almost-30-something, I’ve had a taste of the difficulties college graduates face as they set out into our postmodern world. For me, it was a rough road, yet I am all too happy about where it has taken me.   

   As an undergraduate student, my conservative thirst was quenched when a few students, staffers and I founded Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC) at UVA in 2000. Now known as Agape Christian Fellowship, the group is booming and has changed countless lives through the fellowship offered on grounds and through the young students worshipping and minstering abroad.

   Before CCC, I led the traditional college-girl life. I was in the Virginia Belles, a sorority-like a capella group. Sure we sang, but we specialized in partying. To my adult mind, it sounds silly, but back then we were treated like hollywood a-listers in our fishbowl college community. Plenty of people could have cared less about a capella singers, but to the students who did care, we were rockstars.

   For me, the pressure was on- the culture around me told me I was supposed to be beautiful, smart, academically successful, and popular. I wanted to be in demand as a woman- I wanted to be wanted. It was hard work trying to be all those things in college, and it didn’t change after college. I wore many hats trying to find the one that best fit me. I was a reformed party-girl. In college, I spent a couple of years partying and a couple of years praying. After school, I spent a few months in North Africa studying abroad. I came back to the states where I began seminary, working toward an MA in Theology. At the same time I taught math and algebra to 7th and 8th graders with emotional disabilities at Frost Middle School as a TA.

   The emotional toll of the broken kids at FMS was too much for a girl without any training, so I took a new job at a music shop. I worked in sales and I taught piano and voice lessons. I got a gig as a jazz singer with a wedding band. I switched master’s programs to an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy. I moved to Mississippi to study. I moved back to Virginia, and got engaged to my college sweetheart. I worked as an executive assistant for a retired 4 star general who thought microsoft was some sort of new-fangled bath towel company. I hocked lipstick as a Lancome lady. I was the director of a young adult minstry at a church. I was the lead singer in a praise band. I married my husband, we bought a house, and I got my real-estate license and worked the market bubble. A few months before my husband started law school, we learned I was pregnant and we moved back to the University of Virginia where I got a retail job until the baby arrived. I still can’t shop at Bath and Body Works without reliving my morning sickness.

   It seems that no matter what I was doing, I wasn’t satisfied. I tried everything under the sun. I even spent a few months rescuing homeless dogs and cats and rehabbing them in my master bathroom until I found permanent homes for them. That somewhat satiated my need to give to others, but I still couldn’t figure it out. On top of it all, I was pregnant, and I felt that my chance to be everything to everyone was lost. When was I going to finish my master’s degree once I had a kid? When was I going to be the therapist or minstry leader that I hoped to be? What was I going to do as a new parent with a husband in law school and no way to afford day care? What was going on? This was not the plan!!!

The Kid

   Little did I know that my chance to be everything to everyone had just begun. I had an “aha” moment where I realized that life doesn’t need to go according to MY plan. Life goes according to God’s plan, and as it turns out, God’s plan is way better than my own. Rather than hampering my plans to finish my MS in MFT or Theology, being a wife and mother would actually augment my understanding in grad school. As a wife and mom I would be a much better therapist or minister than I would as a single person. As far as the affordability of day care was concerned, I am not only the most qualified, but most affordable preschool teacher around. With my husband in grad school, he has been able to be a part of our daughter’s life without the stress of a 9 to 5 job. We are blessed by financial help by our families and our income is helped by Eric’s summer work in law firms. Now that he is almost done with school, I am pregnant with our second child and we are well on our way to financial independence. Most importantly, I have found my calling. I have that job where I am everything to everyone. I still get to sing and teach piano if I want to, but I also get to apply all that I learned in my MFT and Theology work toward my career as a wife and mom. Best yet, my career as a wife and mom is going to sweeten any further study I pursue. And I don’t have to pursue anything at all. I matter because I am living a life I believe in. I’m not trying to please others. I am what I am.

   So finally, what is WriteWingMom? Its a place where I will share my experience as a stay-at-home mother with a world where women are encouraged to go out there and find full-time careers, even if that isn’t their hearts’ desire. It’s a place where it’s ok to be young and married and have kids. It’s a place where it’s ok to follow your heart and not your culture. Where you can say no to ”sexual liberation” and embrace sexual intimacy. Where you can devote yourself to your values and beliefs, even if they aren’t popular in postmodern America.

   So read on, drop me a line, and offer some suggestions. I’d love to hear who you are and what you think!

Blessings to all of you!

The Mom

mom@writewingmom.com